mtl3p

at least I think it’s my head.

For the last - well, since I came back I haven’t been able to relax. To breath properly. I’ve been shuttling between this computer and the tv and maybe running around in a car every once in awhile. Just now I could feel it - the feeling that makes me do it. It’s the feeling that goes away when I listen to music really loudly, when I walk around the city, when I drink coffee and smoke, or when I drink alcohol. It’s that feeling that makes it hard for me to turn off the tap when I brush my teeth, and why I would rather be late for something than get there 15 minutes early.

I know that this anxiousness waxs and wanes, and I can have some influence over it - but I don’t know where it comes from or anything about the substance of it. From all the reading I’ve done about psychology, religion, and self-help stuff the only indication I ever got was from Gabor Mate’s book about the multiple origins of ADD.

I *hate* going to sleep if I’m not so absolutely tired that I won’t fall asleep as soon as I lay down. Every 10 days or so I am able to go to bed straight (and yes, fatigue or overexhaustion is definitely a drug/medication). Out of the days that I do go to sleep straight, 4 out of 5 times I lie there basically gritting my teeth trying to not let a stream of negative thoughts about stuff I haven’t done, or things I’ve screwed up, scratch too deeply on their way through my head. And then 1 out of 5 times I feel in such a way that extemporaneous thoughts are welcome. I feel cozy and safely permeable. When I was working in Africa I felt that safe and relaxed feeling almost every night. I would go to bed hours before I was tired because I enjoyed that time of seeing what would float into my head.

Anyway, I think this current one is ebbing. I’m feeling like I can leave the TV and the interne behind and walk to Laika without being assailed by it (that part of my head).

I am so interested to know how other people feel. For example, if I turn up music to the point that it is dangerous for my hearing I can think really clearly. There’s a certain volume that it has to be at for that feeling to occur. Mid-level music does very little for my ability to concentrate.

My saving grace is that the rare hours I can actually concentrate are gorgeous and absolutely full.

update: I re-read this because of Martine’s kind reaction and i realize that it sounds like more dramatic than it feels. I’m *used* to this kind of anxiety, this way of being. It’s very livable - i know lots of people that are always this way.

I was just noticing it and wishing for it to be a bit lower.

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